Catholic Exchange

The Gospel According to Steve Martin

It's Christmas, that joyous time of year when the Mainstream Media (MSM) goes in search of apostate scholars to re-assure them that the gospel is all a bunch of hooey. Last year, a piece appeared on MSNBC.com called "What is the Real Christmas Story?" It's a roundtable discussion featuring a number of biblical scholars that looks at the tale of the Nativity as told by Matthew and Luke.

In the course of it, the conversation turns to the matter of the worldwide "census" that Luke reports in his gospel:

In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that the whole world should be enrolled. This was the first enrollment, when Quirinius was governor of Syria. (Luke 2:1-2)

One of the first people out of the gate to render a verdict on this particular passage is John Dominic Crossan, a biblical scholar and former priest at DePaul University who also gets trotted out by the MSM during that other joyous season, Easter, to assure us that the body of Jesus was eaten by wild dogs. Crossan, who is, like Buzz Lightyear, always sure, declares emphatically: "Luke tells us the story that at the time Jesus was born Augustus had to create a census of the whole earth. Now every scholar can tell you there was no such census ever."

Let us pause and think about this dogmatic article of the Crossan creed for a moment. The gospels are, in large part, a work of pious fiction according to Crossan. The Resurrection never occurred. It's just a comforting tale early believers came up with to deal with the loss of Christ. The portrayal of Jesus as born at Bethlehem is something the gospel writers have to concoct in order to identify Jesus with the Messiah. And so, to get him there, Luke tells the story — of a worldwide taxation enrollment.

 I drum my fingers on the table top and reminisce. Comedian Steve Martin used to do a routine in which he smiled broadly with that distinct smile of his and said, "Remember a couple of years back when the earth (wry pause)… exploded? Remember how they built that giant space ark and loaded all of humanity into it, but the government decided not to tell the stupid people what was going on so that they wouldn't panic….." The light of understanding would then break across his face as he surveyed the faces of the audience and he would quickly backtrack saying, "Oooooooh! Uh….. Never mind!"

I can't help but think of that as I read Crossan's take on Luke. We are being asked to believe that the gospels are works of cunning fiction by people laboring under some huge need to bring others under the spell of their delusion of a Risen Christ. Part of their messianic delusion requires them to link the Nazarene carpenter with King David by portraying him as born in "the city of David", Bethlehem. And so they do what to get Jesus there in time for his birth and debut as the Son of David?

Well, a lot of options are open to the creative gospel writer whose only goal is to write a tall tale. You could just say that Mary's grandmother took sick and she went to visit her. You could claim that Joseph bought a plot of land and didn't want to leave Mary behind while he went to inspect it. You could cook up an angelic visitation commanding the Holy Family to go to Bethlehem and wait for their son to be born. Any of these stories have the tremendous advantage of being extremely hard to refute decades after the event. And since you've already stuffed your gospel full of miracles, what's one more angel?

But no, according to Crossan, Luke tells the equivalent of Martin's space ark story: "Remember, a few decades back when the entire world was enrolled for taxation?" He invites, not just somebody to refute it, but everybody in his entire audience. That's an awfully strange thing to do if the enrollment never happened and an awfully odd way to establish the bona fides of your main character.

But, of course, when Crossan tells you that "there was no such census ever", what he really means is "We have no solid evidence of the census that survives outside the New Testament." Likewise, we also have no solid evidence of a great deal of the conquest of Gaul outside of one book by Julius Caesar. Yet nobody says that means the Conquest never happened. And so the amazing possibility arises that Luke is actually reporting something that happened, which he and his audience both know of, but which is poorly attested outside the New Testament.

Memo to the Media: Consider the possibility that biblical authors are not as preposterous as some biblical scholars.

Comments

  1. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Your typical foul-mouthed Hollywood entertainer on the cover page of the web site where I go for Catholic articles and encouragement did not put me in the frame of mind of reflection.

  2. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    The Jesus Seminar strikes again! No wonder one of its highest (lowest?) ’eminences’ sounds like he’s designed to soak up any nonsense about – former Bishop Spong of the effervescent Episcopalian hierarchy. How sad, that this is what passes for Catholic and Christian exegesis to journalists who would likely do better-and-well to talk to a truly pious Grandma’s pastor.

    Of Anglicanism, its hierarchy and what passes for Anglican dogma, we are witnessing ‘parsing’ on a wide scale, if it isn’t quite grand. Probably goes back to the Elizabethan (the first Liz) hierarchy’s insistence on being Protestant.

    I remain your obedient servant, but God’s first,

    Pristinus Sapienter

    (wljewell @mail.catholicexchange.com or …yahoo.com)

  3. Guest Avatar
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    nezatda,

    Well, EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEEEE!

    [sorry, I couldn’t resist]

    May the peace of the coming Christ-child be with you now and stay the whole year, regardless of our vulgar culture.

  4. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Little baby Jesus laying in a manger. Angels and shepherds gathered together to see the beauty of Truth in a single entity. The beauty of this moment, this Silent Night, can be so easily shattered by the king of pain and death.

    Amazing that people want to broadcast such contempt and malarcky to our TVs. For them the desperate game is urgent and of the utmost importance. They would cook up anything to shatter the weakness and humility of a God who would die for us in about 33 years after this moment.

    But, gratefully, we have God’s grace and all our humanity to keep us in this great Christmas rut. This rut that tells us to prepare year after year for the King’s birth. Every year we re-experience the joy and wonderment that God would come to us as a baby boy, born in a manger. Every year we put out lights and decorations and advent candles and nativity scenes and candy canes (and who really likes candy canes so much that we make it a part of every year anyway) and music and gifts and trees and wreathes and stockings! Some people only go to Mass on Christmas. But they go and they understand that it is more than just a good time.

    We are Catholic and we are proud of our weaknesses. We love to go back to that unshatterable Little baby Jesus laying in a manger. Angels and shepherds gathered together to see the beauty of Truth in a single entity. The beauty of this moment, this Silent Night.

    Merry Christmas to all, especially John Dominic Crossan who can broadcast all he wants in this free country. Christ’s grace does not require money or power or a network or a script or twists of the truth. So, Mr. Crossan I can say to you Merry Christmas. It is free, true and easy but it makes all the difference in the universe.

    GK – God is good!

  5. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    The picture is what caught my attention first and sparked my curiosity as to what nature this article was about. I thought it was a very good observation and for people who are “of the World”, it meets them where they are!! Good job!

  6. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Thanks for this article. As usual, you’ve done a superb job of making a valid and cogent point.
    I used to teach my children–and, am now teaching my grandchildren–that some people will believe the most wildly absurd things to avoid having to believe in a God Who loved them enough to become that little Baby in a corn-crib and grow up to gladly give up His own life to save us.
    There are people who will listen to the Truth, and accept it. But there are, unfortunately, a lot of people who will go to their graves insisting that the Truth isn’t true. You can only shake your head and walk away.

  7. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Beautiful, Cooky.

    Christmas is great time to teach our children:

    • Jesus was born of a virgin womb and would be laid in a virgin tomb.
    • Jesus was born in a town which means “house of bread” and would become our Bread of Life.
    • He was laid in a wooden food trough.
    • He was wrapped with swaddling clothes just as He would be wrapped in burial cloth.
    • Those who led sheep were the first called to see Him.
    • The gifts of the magi showed Him to be a king, a priest and a suffering servant.
    • and so much more.

    Fie on those who try to explain away the mystery, the miracles, and the truth of our Salvation!

    “If angels could be jealous of men, they would be so for one reason: Holy Communion.” ~ St. Maximilian Kolbe

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