What Women Really Want for Christmas

As the holiday season approaches men are inundated with jewelry commercials enticing you to buy your wife the perfect gift this holiday season or you'll end up in the doghouse! But what if there was more to gift giving than just the generic jewelry and flowers to win over your wife's heart? Don't get me wrong, women enjoy these things, but what they enjoy more isn't something tangible.

I am going to let you in on many woman to woman conversations I have had over the years. This may come as a surprise to some of you but tangible gifts are way at the bottom of the want list. True, women love tangible gifts; you know the kind that is gift wrapped, unexpected or part of some annual celebration (don't forget those). Rarely does a tangible gift stand on its own. However, it is the context of the relationship that enhances the value of the gift, inexpensive or extravagant.

For example, just a few weeks ago my husband observed me going through all the kitchen cabinets foraging for anything chocolate. It was pretty late, I was in my sweats and going out to buy chocolate was out of the question. I do have pride you know. Well maybe not, because I actually found a foil wrapped chocolate egg left over from Easter (6 months ago) in one of my daughter's rooms. She donated it to my cause and I gobbled it up only to return to see if there were any more hidden in her room. The next day I came home and went through the usual routine of greeting everyone and getting ready for dinner. When I finally made it back to the bedroom an hour later, I found a bag of Hershey Miniature chocolates sitting on my pillow with a note from my husband. It cost all of $3.00 but you would have thought I won the lottery by the look on my face and the warmth in my heart. The fact that my husband was attentive the night before and then acted on his observation was incredible. That's the type of gift a woman really wants!

Through my work at The National Institute of Marriage and thousands of survey responses from our conferences, women most often report that that they want to "feel secure in love." The second most often reported "want" is to have a mate that is "honest and trustworthy." As I think about the above story, I am keenly aware that it was my husband's attentiveness that created a sense of relational security. Please don't think buying a bag of chocolates will do it for the woman in your life. What I am suggesting is the attention and follow through is what speaks loud and clear to where I stand with him. A man (person) is not attentive to those things he doesn't value or love. If he notices the little things, he is more likely to be responsive to the big things, like being trustworthy.

One might conceptualize what I am suggesting as a fortress of love. Each time you pay attention and follow through on the little things (being thoughtful, tender, helpful, interested) it is like adding a brick onto a wall around your relationship. I do not advocate that this wall be erected without doors and windows. That would lead to a relationship in which two of you would feel trapped rather than secure. Instead, the fortress would be built to weather life storms (tragedy, disappointment, stress, invasions). It is the place where two people inside the fortress can experience safety with each other and find the courage to continue on the risky journey of life. In the end, the woman in you life will find the security, honesty and trust she really wants and so will you. Man or woman, there is no better place to be than in a relationship that is safe, honest, and filled with trust. So this Christmas and always, give the gift of love and thoughtfulness to your spouse.