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The Red Tape of Charity

Written by

Maria Peceli

in

Back when my four children were four and under and when three of them were in diapers, my husband lost his job.

This hadn't been the first time we'd been faced with such a problem, but I was in the throes of major post-partum depression as we'd almost lost our fourth child and the criticism of having four children was really getting to me. Most of the protests against our having four children came from strangers at the grocery store but some of the loudest and most painful stings were from various family members.

When we got the news that Big Daddy no longer had a job and shared it with these family members (the rumors about this industry sinking were everywhere), the stings became even more piercing. Thankfully, these "supporters of our lifestyle" resided out of town and our contact with them was extremely limite — but those stings were nevertheless still felt.

Here in the city in which we live, there is a large food bank. It's not just a food bank, but offers various services. I had donated to this food bank several times in the years leading up to our lay-off…toys, clothes…so when I needed help, I thought, "I'll go ask them."

One day, during the lay-off, money was tight and we needed diapers. We just weren't going to make it until the unemployment check came, so I packed the kids up in the car and drove there. Entering the building, I walked up to the window. The looks of the staff at me and my brood were incredulous. They felt like worms — sticky worms — crawling up my back and over my shoulders.

Telling them my story, I asked for a package of diapers.

One package.

That's all.

Shoving forms at me, I was told that I would have to fill these out, come back for a meeting and that my kids could be put in the daycare while I had my meeting to determine my need and my employment possibilities.

It was then that I told them that I was not coming back so I could put my children in their daycare so that they could determine my need and employment possibilities. By the time this would happen, our unemployment check would have come and I could buy the diapers I so desperately needed.

Not knowing what do, the 22ish-year-old-young-lady fresh from social-worker school came in. She'd been summoned by her staff who didn't know how to handle a woman with 4 babies who needed one package of diapers.

When she gave me their spiel again, I reiterated my position. I was not coming back and they needed to give me one package of diapers.

As I waited in tears for the next 15 minutes — and tried to hide my tears from my children — they convened to figure out if they could give me that one package of diapers. Was that really going to set them back? Could they not think outside of the box and see the need or were they so accustomed to being lied to that they had already been jaded?

She came back in with the diapers.

I gathered my children and felt like I had just been through an Olympic event. I mean the red tape of charity was so thick! While I understood procedures had to be in place to prevent abuse, it was made very clear to me how people get stuck in cultural norms and inside-the-box-thinking.

So, my husband was laid-off and we needed some temporary help. Was the answer really to put my kids in day-care and go to work? Questions swirled inside my head, "Is breaking up the family really the best way to solve these problems? Is that all that can be offered to those in need? There has to be a better way!"

For our family, my husband and I didn't think that me going back to work — and putting our kids in daycare — was the right solution. We simply needed some assistance during this time — once.

During that season of lay-off, my husband was out of work for a total of four months before he was able to find another job. Yes, we struggled, yes, we fought. We fought to keep our family together in a time when babies need their mothers the most and sadly, we had to fight the red tape of charity for one package of diapers.

Yep, you read that right.

Just one.

Comments

  1. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    It's very easy to look down on people who ask for charity, and certainly there are plenty of abuses.  But this article illustrates the fact that we shouldn't be so quick to judge without knowing the details of each individual situation.

  2. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    boy does that resonate. we also went thru 3 "career changes" in the time our kids were small, and due to the fact that my husband's job (teaching in Catholic school) qualified us for food stamps and medical assistance (inadequate insurance did not cover pregnancy or my son's many problems as pre-existing conditions), I also made the trek, with all 3, on 2 buses and a rapid (we did not own a car, DH hitchhiked or rode the bus to work) to the 2 different offices where I had to apply for assistance. After several such trips, to several such buildings, and several mishaps that always arise when small children travel on public transportation, we finally, after 4 months, got our food stamps and medical care. The public clinic was opened limited hours, on the other side of town, yes, 2 buses and a rapid away, plus an 8 block hike in winter snow and slush. The food stamps were purchased for $98 deducted from hubby's check, and gave us $112 in buying power. We spent them at a food co-op where we each worked 5 volunteer hours a week to maximize our purchasing. Still no help with diapers and other non-food items of course.

    I took the easy way out, got a night job so we did not have to put them in day care all day, although it was necessary for a few hours a couple of times a week, until DH got a "real" job. Did not remember how much I resented it until you spoke up. Hang in there, baby. 

     

  3. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    We, too, while my DH was in school found ourselves with two little ones and one on the way. We applied for WIC (Women,Infants and Children) and I must say the process was very nice. I was embarrassed, but my sister told me something very helpful – she said you and your husband have been working since you were 15 years old and contributing to the taxes that support this program, so don't feel bad that now you have to use it. The office was not far from the bus stop and they also provided immunizations and check-ups and nutritional info. I really was quite impressed and I thank God that WIC was available. Perhaps for the immediate need of just one package of diapers a neighbor or relative or your Parish might have been quicker to respond. God Bless

  4. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    This article also points out the need for us to get 'personal' with our neighbors.  We have become a society–and, sadly, a Church who just expects some organization to fill those needs.  It is time that we roll up our sleeves and personally get involved.

     

    <>When I was 7, my father was in an accident at work that crushed both of his knees.  He owned the business and there was no workman's comp, no health insurance–no anything!   My mother was pregnant with my sister (#4) and was not in a position to go to work.  They applied for aid from the government only to have us turned down; we were't the right type of recipient for welfare.  Then they turned to the Church's Archdiocese with the help of our Pastor–again, we were not 'needy' enough.

    <><>We were literally praying for a miracle.  That miracle arrived in the form a a couple of bags of groceries sitting on our front step about every 2-3 days.  Turns out our neighbors (about 8 of them) knew the need, took it upon themselves to buy what they thought we would need for almost an ENTIRE YEAR!  We also had bills that were 'mysteriously' paid.  That miracle came from our parish Pastor and his Dad (who lived with him)–though we did not find this out until years later.

    Get personal–do you even KNOW your neighbors?  We are His hands, His feet, His heart.  Somehow, that all gets lost in simply writing a check and allowing some 'organization' to do the helping.  They have a place…but that place should be only after local help has been exhausted. 

  5. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    God Bless you!  And thank you for sharing your story and KEEP SPEAKING UP! 

     

  6. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    YellThis story makes me infurriated!  ONE PACKAGE OF DIAPERS!!! Couldn't anyone, her family, her friends, her church giver her ONE PACK OF DIAPERS!!!  People and their blasted, self-rightious, arrogance!  I can't stand it!…Cry  I just can't stand it……

  7. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    This is the legacy of a government-funded "charity." If I recall correctly, it was John Paul II the Great who told us that a government cannot give people love. As the title of Papa Ben's first encyclical ought to remind us, the root word of "charity" is "caritas," love. If a government cannot give people love, how can it give people charity?

    The red tape is pretty much an insuperable problem for a government aid organization. Government agencies of all types inevitably attract the attention of some crusading politician who searches it for fraud and/or waste, and when he inevitably finds it, he gets on his soapbox and "does something about it" so he can brag about that, come the election. The result is the sort of red tape that almost strangled the charity out of the food bank where Maria Peceli sought one package of diapers.

    One of my older rants expresses my discomfort and dislike, when it comes to tax-funded relief and aid, particularly grants to faith-based charities. But something I realized later, and never put there, is this: there are two sides to Matthew 22:21. The first is to give to the government the things which are proper to it, such as defending our lives, liberty, and property. The other is to give to God the things which are proper to the Body of Christ, such as charity and good works. We have handed over the work of the Body of Christ to our Caesar, and then congratulated ourselves for it. How should we answer if God should ask us, "Why did you stop doing my work, and assign it to others who do not follow Me?"

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