Catholic Exchange

Put Asunder

Written by

Denise Smith

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Marriage.  As if it were not in enough trouble, we have another legal challenge to Proposition 8 in California — this time from a judge.   It is interesting that when one line of ‘reasoning’ is lost, we just change the reasoning. Unfortunately in this case, we are simply reorganizing the deck chairs on the Titanic.

Born in the fifties, all of my adult life has been spent hearing all the reasons why marriage isn’t necessary. After all, the argument went ‘…it’s just a piece of paper’. Suddenly, marriage is all the rage — for the gay and lesbian community. Meanwhile, young people raised in the Church have a new vision of the ‘perfect wedding’, on the beach.

Now, I’m not a betting person. But, I’d be willing to bet all I own on the fact that all of this Constitutional wrangling on same-sex marriage is mere window dressing. Ah, but their eye is on the prize. These folks (the ‘activists’) will not rest with ‘marriage’ being legalized. We will begin to hear the sad, sad tales of Jim and Ken, raised in the Church and now being denied the very thing that all of their lives they have been taught was important: sacramental marriage.

You see, it has been a very long time since we actually ‘thought’. We are now a nation driven by emotion. Every situation, every difficulty is presented in a way that pulls at the heart, not the head. How far down this road will we see ‘demands’ being made of churches to cooperate with what is ‘law’, or lose their tax-exempt status? Doors closed. Case closed. Now the only voice standing between their appetites and their conquest has been silenced.

It is not only this challenge that is besetting marriage. The majority of our Catholic heterosexual couples live together before marriage — no less an affront to God’s plan. The divorce rate within the Church is virtually indistinguishable from those in the culture at large. I’ve read much on all of this that amounts to hand wringing about the culture ‘taking’ our children. Were they taken, or did we simply let go of our God-given responsibility to defend the faith?

When a son or daughter comes to us with their plans to marry at the beach (or a park, mountainside, garden, etc.), do we defend the Church’s teaching that the best place for this sacrament to take place for baptized Catholics is not out in creation somewhere, but inside the Church in the very Presence of Christ, the Creator? Or, do we acquiesce — just go along to get along. Do they understand the Real Presence? Do we? What a perfect time for a substantive conversation on what ‘Church’ means.

This is not always an easy conversation to have. Of our three children, two have chosen to live with their fiancé before marriage. I think both would say that without doubt, they knew where we and the Church stood. They each had their own reasons for the decision they made.  Frustrating?  Unbelievably so.  But there was never a thought that this would end our relationship — I cannot imagine anything more absurd!  We love them.  In a relationship based on love and respect, honest differences don’t upset the family balance, it enhances it.  Does God end His relationship with me each time I don’t live up to His best for me? Thankfully, He does not.

Our unwillingness to speak to the issue with our families for fear that it will do harm to the relationship speaks volumes about where we are personally with our faith walk. Unfortunately, when we don’t, it isn’t the relationship per se that is harmed — it is their respect for us and for the Church in which we have raised them. Further, an unwillingness to approach our families with these issues does not bode well for those on the outside that desperately need to hear that God loves them and wants them to live with Him for eternity:  “[C]ome, let us reason together.”

Perhaps this conversation about marriage and what it means will be good for our nation. But it can only be a conversation if we in the pews and the pulpits step up, study up and speak up for God and His word boldly and with great love.

Comments

4 responses to “Put Asunder”

  1. Robert Struble, Jr. Avatar
    Robert Struble, Jr.

    Many good points here. But I do take issue with the implications of your reference to “hand wringing about the culture ‘taking’ our children. Were they taken, or did we simply let go of our God-given responsibility to defend the faith?”

    We display hand wrenching, Denise, because the experience is so heart wrenching. We parents are also the victims, and please don’t just blame the victims. The ghastly reality is that the pagan USA has become like Saturn, devouring its own children.

    I can testify to this reality from my experiences as a teacher in three American public high schools, and in a private secular prep school. Rich kids, poor kids; they’re being eaten up en mass by a society which indulges (even welcomes) the roaring lion described in 1 Peter 5:8.

  2. Denise Smith Avatar
    Denise Smith

    Thanks for you comments, Robert. Yes, I’ve been down that road with one of our own. It took nine years of excruciating heartache and prayer to bring her ‘home’. I am not saying the culture is not a major player here. What I am saying is that I hear too often parents lamenting the culture while, at the same time not recognizing that we ARE the culture. It got to where it is because those of us who do believe in the values the Church teaches sat on the sidelines. We were busy making a living and raising children and too busy to get involved. The 80/20 rule follows Catholic organizations as well as business—20% of the people doing 80% of the work. Where is everyone? I know good, solid believers that will not go outside of their circle of like-minded, church-going friends/family–for fear of losing their own. That is not what Christ taught. My office, a CPC, serves mostly the very poor. It is striking to me that most of the women we see have no concept of family. They have never been part of an intact family and have no earthly idea of how that dynamic even works. Yet, it is these very same people who lead the pack. The degradation is evident in our ‘race to the bottom’. Perhaps, if families could ‘adopt’ these women so that they could see how families interact, we may have a chance that their yet unborn children will learn those basics in human relationships. It takes a huge step of faith. I’m not hopeful that we will get there in my lifetime; but that is not a reason not to try. Mother Theresa said it best when she said it was not her calling to be successful–only faithful. – Denise Smith

  3. rakeys Avatar
    rakeys

    I ,too, believe that the desire fro marriage in the gay community is just the first step in getting us to accept their lifestyle, and to then make it a “hate crime” if we say that homosexual acts sre immoral.
    My wife and I have been teaching Pre Cana classes for over 25 years. We hae ten children, 7 are married, all in the Church. I also have a brother, who recent;y just got married “on the beach”, and several nieces who have been married in a park.
    Your comment “Our unwillingness to speak to the issue with our families for fear that it will do harm to the relationship speaks volumes about where we are personally with our faith walk.” was interesting. Did you not speak to your two children about living together?

    Jesus associated with sinners, but He also called them to repent and return to follwng God’s will. The woman caught in adultery: “go and sin no more”. the Pharisees he called a “brood of vipers” True, this last comment was not accepted very well and He was later killed by them. But Jesus said that “I have come not to bring peace, but the sword…to set a man agaist his father, a daughter against her mother” MT 10:34-36 If we are true followers of Jesus we must speak up. our love of god must come before love of family. It must be done lovingly. In fact talking to our family about actions that are sinful is the most loving thing we can do. To allow them to sin is not helping them get into heaven.
    I spoke to my brother about his marriage on the beach, also because he was marrying someone who was divorced without an annulment. My brother was a widower, and free to marry. His comment was that he loved her and did not want to upset her by asking her to get an annulment. He also believes that everyone is going to heaven, since god is all loving and merciful. I told him that god wants us to follow the commandments and to repent and ask forgiveness if we sin. but that had no efect on him.
    Unless we speak up, we will continue to let people drift away from following god’s will. We pray “Thy will be done”

  4. Denise Smith Avatar
    Denise Smith

    Indeed, rakeys, we raised them to understand that it was sin. We had many conversations–I assure you they knew what the Church taught on the subject. We raised human beings, not robots. Your ‘talk’ with your brother had no effect on him because he was not ready to ‘hear’. That has been played out over and over in many familial relationships. Only the Spirit can prepare them to listen. That was the point in my article. I certainly hope you still have a relationship with him…as yours may be the only voice speaking to this issue. Don’t harp, speak. Love. Pray for him. Pray for patience/wisdom. God works on His timetable, not ours.

    I find your term ‘allow them to sin’ very telling. You allow? If God gave us that freedom (free will), am I to believe that we have the right to take it away? No doubt life would be simpler, just not better. Those of us who try to remain faithful Catholics need to be very careful of the way we come across. Non of us want to become stumbling blocks to faith. -Denise Smith

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