How to Prepare a Boy for College: Part One

18 years, 40 weeks prior: In newly married bliss, decide, if God is willing, it's a pretty good idea to start a family.

18 years prior: Figure God must have thought it's a pretty good idea to carry on the family name, hence giving you a baby boy.

17 years prior: Wean baby off of bottle onto sippy cup. Baby bottles are not included in most college food plans.

16 years prior: Wean toddler off sippy cup to cup with lid and straw. Cups with lids and straws are widely available in most college food plans.

15 years prior: Do not giggle the first time he drops his spoon and says, "&%^$#@". It will only encourage him squat down at the side of his baby sister's playpen and teach her new words. Smile proudly when Uncle John observes your son playing with a Lego set 4 years beyond the recommended age rating and announces, "That boy's gonna be a successful engineer someday!"

14 years prior: Enroll in region's best Pre-K program, where he will learn important higher educational skills such as standing in line, waiting his turn, limited potty breaks and being away from Mommy for more than 3 hours at a time. Tell everyone you know he wants Legos for his birthday.

13 years prior: Enroll in region's premiere elementary school where he'll learn important higher educational skills such as ABC's, 123's, cutting and pasting, coloring within the lines, standing in line, waiting his turn, limited potty breaks and being away from Mommy more than 7 hours at a time. Mommy will learn to maneuver school drop off and pick up lines and take a third job to pay the tuition. Despite spending countless hours wrestling Legos from the mouths of Little Sister and Fido, tell everyone you know your son wants more Legos for his birthday.

12 years prior: Do not giggle when he discovers the genetically endowed art of burping the alphabet and farting on cue. His friends will do that for him. These are skills he'll need in any reputable fraternity house. Despite having to install two new toilets and a garbage disposal, tell everyone you know he wants Legos for his birthday and Christmas.

11 years prior: Learn key phrases to avoid at all costs if you wish to refrain from scarring your child for life; such as: "What's wrong with the crayons we bought last year?" or "But saddle shoes are a timeless classic!" Start saving money to visit Legoland at Disney Village, Orlando, Florida.

10 years prior: By now you should have buried and replaced, without your son's knowledge, a minimum of 8 dwarf hamsters named Betsy. Visit Legoland at Disney Village, Orlando, Florida. Buy another, "For ages 12 and up" mega set of Legos from the Robot Collection.

Stay tuned until next week for the conclusion of, "How to Prepare a Boy for College, Part 2."