Catholic Exchange

Aching Arms

Written by

Claire Boeck

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As a registered nurse, I have patients who experience discomfort in different regions of the arm for a variety of reasons:  frozen shoulder, carpal tunnel syndrome, tendonitis, the list goes on.  Some of these conditions are very difficult to treat, and I'm very blessed that I don't suffer from these or any other debilitating medical illness.  However, my arms ache for a more subtle reason, a physical defect that causes chronic emotional pain rather than physical pain: the inability to bear a child.

"Empty arms" is a common cliché in the world of infertility, but it is one that doesn't really apply to me.  I have a wonderful husband to hold, and when I'm snuggling with him, nothing else in the world matters.  But in between hugs, there is a persistent ache to hold a baby of my own.  My Church tells me that this is a holy desire.  Large families are a sign of God's blessing.  Couples with large families are applauded for remaining open to life.  Masses frequently include prayer intentions for parents and families.  Mothers stand up for blessings at the Mother's Day Masses.  Parishes offer a plethora of programs and activities for families.  In a world where artificial contraception, abortion and stem cell research are widely accepted and utilized (even within some "Catholic" circles), the Church is right to remind us that life is a blessing and to provide support for families.  But where does this leave people like me?  I am open to life, but my arms still ache.

For ethical reasons, Church teaching restricts certain technologies that could help me to bear a child.  I understand the theology behind these doctrines, and I respect them and comply with them.

But I am concerned about other infertile couples who might not be well catechized in this (or other) areas of Church teaching, or who feel invisible and isolated within a Church that provides very limited ministry in this area.  Personally, I have hit many dead ends when seeking infertility support within my parish and diocese.  I have never once heard a prayer intention at Mass for infertile couples.  I have approached the Family Life director at my diocese several times to inquire about starting an infertility support group to operate within the context of Church doctrine, and each time I have been dismissed (this especially stings because my husband and I tithe and provide significant financial support to our parish and diocese).  I am reasonably certain that there are numerous Catholics who in desperation have joined secular infertility support groups, which can be a tremendous source of temptation to resort to illicit infertility treatments.  Aching arms can lead to desperate measures, in the absence of good catechesis and support.

I have been very blessed to have found an online support group at Yahoo called Catholic-Fertility, which has been my lifeline during the time that I have carried this cross of infertility. 

EWTN has started to discuss infertility more frequently, and has several times featured Dr. Hilgers, an infertility doctor who has had great success in treating infertility using licit technologies.  Last year at the EWTN Mother's Day Mass, Father Frank Pavone gave a homily in which he acknowledged the pain of infertility and provided good catechesis on the theology behind Church doctrine regarding infertility treatment.  Please join me in praying that Church ministry to infertile couples will continue to grow.  And please keep me in your prayers; my husband and I are hoping to adopt in the future, and I trust God that one day my arms will no longer ache.

Comments

  1. Guest Avatar
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    Claire–I'm sorry for the pain you and your husband have with regard to infertility.  Thank God you've found support online and through EWTN.  As a new convert to Catholicism, I've been thinking about starting a Bible study or women's support group, but I'm not used to having to clear things like this through the hierarchy, and so far I haven't had the nerve to try.  Your story is of concern to me…why wouldn't they allow you to start a group?  The idea is excellent, and within Catholic doctrine.  I'm so frustrated lately because my normal sense of logic and common sense seem to have been thrown out the window since joining the Church, and I feel like Alice in Wonderland.  I just can't figure out–why did they tell you not to start such a necessary group?  And who's decision was it?  The only valid reason I could think would be lack of space.  I guess, having been a Protestant for 50 years, I wouldn't know what to do with an answer like that.  I'd probably start a group anyway.  That's the wrong thing to do, right?  It's so frustrating….only the Eucharist is keeping me Catholic….but that's enough.  And deep down I know it's the right Church.  But are we ever allowed to make decisions on our own? Must we always obey the priest? 

    Anyway….God bless you in your journey, and in finding support faithful to Church teachings.  I get so angry and depressed, but it's people like you who lift my head up out of the water and keep me going. ((((hugs)))) 

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    Thank you for your kind words.  And welcome home to the Church.  The family life director at my diocese that I spoke to didn't come right out and tell me that I couldn't start a group;  she just declined to help me.  Her reason was that she doesn't think that the Catholics in this area would be open to a group that advocates absolute adherence to Church doctrine regarding infertility.  I live in an extremely liberal diocese, and unfortunately this response is typical when an orthodox Catholic approaches the diocese requesting promotion of a ministry that is faithful to Church teaching.  The sad thing is that there is probably some truth in what she said;  it probably would be a challenge to find infertile Catholics who are willing to adhere to Church teaching.  That's why I started at the diocese rather than the parish level;  I thought that if I was able to put an ad in multiple parish bulletins, I would have more success at getting a group of people than if I just looked to my own parish.  Also, in the past my husband has approached my pastor about starting a Bible study, and the pastor never got back to him after several attempts.  Our parish now has a good adult education Bible study program, so we speculate that this was why the pastor didn't want to pursue my husband's idea, because he was working on this new program.  But the unresponsiveness is very discouraging.  Like you, it is the Sacraments and the truth that keeps me Catholic;  in a diocese like mine I have to constantly remind myself of that.  Thank God for resources like Catholic Exchange and EWTN that keep me grounded.  But I do encourage you to approach your parish about starting a Bible study;  maybe they will be more receptive than mine was.

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    I had two children, lost two, and was unable to have more. I have wept more over this loss than anything else in my life – and I have two living children! I can only imagine your pain. As to starting a group, do it anyway. Do it in your home, meet once a month, advertise in the local newspaper. We are also converts and have had a lot of doors slammed in our faces because we are "too" Catholic. Don't give up on your idea! Even if you find one other couple that is interested it is worth it. Many, MANY saints were opposed by the officials of their time. Be faithful to the Church, but also to your conscience and the pull toward a certain kind of apostolate. God bless you!

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    With eight children in our house, five under 11 years old, I can not share your situation, Claire, but I offer this thought. 

    Our house is perpetually messy, noisy, disorganized and underfunded. Of course, we know this is our calling, our highest good.  But there are things we can not do in our state in life, at least not at this time: like take a job for less money in Catholic education, open a Catholic book store and coffee house, write a book or screenplay, go on a pilgrimage, attend conferences, and so on. 

    Pray and ask our Heavenly Father, then listen for signs of His calling you to do His will in your life. If He is calling you to support this group of people, then do it, but make sure you are being open to do His will. There are opportunity costs in our choices, even starting a support group.  If we know we are doing His will, then we will be choosing the highest good.

    We'll be praying for you, too!

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    My Dear Sister, Claire,

    May the Lord give you His peace!

    I just want to share with you that, due to hormones that had been given to my mother while she was pregnant with me, I grew up being told by doctors that I could not have children.  My Husband and I suffered for ten years — keeping NFP charts "just in case", to make the most of any fertile phase; we, too, chose to remain faithful to the Church's teaching with respect to fertility treatments and procedures.

    You are right, there is no support for infertile couples.  In many ways, it is a very private heartache.  One thing I found particularly painful was when Catholic "friends" would assume that we were using artificial contraception — if we so much as made a comment that contraception is wrong, many people would shoot back, "Well, you two don't have any kids."  No, we didn't… but NOT by our own choice.

    Then, after much prayer and discernment, we decided to adopt.  In September 2005, we brought home a darling brother and sister from Russia.  Six weeks later, I got pregnant!  So, in less than a year, God gave us three babies!  All three are perfect and healthy; and my Husband and I have never been more happy…or more tired!

    Obviously, adoption is not the answer for everyone.  But, I would like to encourage you and your Husband to ask God if it might be the answer for you.  He may end up giving you more joy than you ever dared hope to ask for!

    You and your Husband will remain in my prayers.

    Mrs. Antony Outhwaite

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    Thank you all for your words of support and encouragement.

     

    Ourfamily:  I am so sorry for your losses.  I had one early miscarriage last year, and I can't imagine going through that more than once.  From the Catholic-Fertility Yahoo group that I belong to, I have learned that infertility is a very real pain even for women who have been able to bear children.  I think that as Catholics, we have a desire to continue to produce life, and for many having one or two children does not take the longing away.  Thank you for your idea of posting an ad in the local paper;  I hadn't thought of that.  Isn't it interesting how converts like us often embrace the faith wholeheartedly, as you said, to the point of being accused of being "too Catholic"?

     

    PTR:  Thank you for your thoughts.  My husband and I are currently discerning whether we are called to be childless for a specific purpose, or whether we are called to adoption.  We really go back and forth on this.  We pray that God will reveal his will to us soon.  You are absolutely right that he might want us to be childless so that we can fulfill a purpose that we would not be able to fulfill if we had children.  I do feel strongly that God is calling me to raise awareness of infertility within the Church.  I really appreciate your prayers.

     

    Mrs. Outhwaite:  I am so happy for you that God blessed you with the miracle of your three children.  As I mentioned to PTR, my husband and I are really "on the fence" about adoption.  We are trying to discern if God has given us the cross of infertility so that we could parent a child who needs a home, or if this cross is for us to fulfill some other purpose that we would not be able to fulfill as parents.  Please keep us in prayer for discernment. 

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    Claire, you are a nurse you and probably aware the Creighton University, Omaha, Nebraska is well known for Natural Family Planning and infertility.  A gynecologist in our city studied Creighton Natural Family Planning and she recommends NFP to couples who are suffering infertility.  Creighton NFP is worth a try.

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    Claire, My heart aches for you and for all who are experiencing the pain of infertility.

    While I am not infertile, earlier this year I was misdiagnosed with uterine cancer and thought I would have to have a hysterectomy. During the seemingly endless stretch of time between the original diagnosis and the final all-clear, I had to face the possibility of permanent infertility and so I've had the merest taste of that pain.

     I think part of God's plan for me in this ordeal was to awaken my awareness of infertility. Every night I pray for couples who are experiencing  the emptiness of infertility and the losses of miscarriages. I agree that there is not nearly enough awareness of this issue in the Church and I will pray for your efforts to start support groups and help people to understand the Church's teaching. 

     

    I agree with ourfamily, you should start your support group with or without the blessing of the diocesan office. Start by praying about it. Ask for the guidance of the Holy Spirit. If your ministry is meant to happen, you will find that things fall into place and people will come. I am sure that you are not alone and that there are people out there who also long for support of someone to talk to but just don't know where to look. But don't wait for someone else to do the hard work. You may have to call all the individual parishes in your diocese one by one and ask them to run your ad in the bulletin instead of having a diocesan official do it for you. And perhaps some parishes won't help your efforts; but there are other ways of contacting people besides the parish bulletin. I like the idea of also running an add in the paper. There might also be some way of advertising online, though I can't think of anything right now.

     

    My brother-in-law has a ministry organizing a Catholic concert for teens and young adults. It started small, just a few people from his local parish and now after 5 years it has grown to several thousand attendees and spread to become many concerts all over the country. It has always been a ministry of lay Catholic volunteers, never officially sponsored by the diocese. 

     

    Diocesan support is helpful but not necessary. And you may find that once you have shown that there is a demand for such a group, the Family Life office may become interested in helping you promote it and making it grow.

     

    Luvadoxi: No, it wouldn't be wrong to start a group anyway. You don't need the approval of a priest to start a Bible study or a support group. Only if you want to hold it on church grounds would you need that. We had a young adult Bible study that met in a friend's home. Not because the parish priest didn't support it but because it was just easier.

     

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    Neighborhood Bible studies can be very good, but we should realize many Protestant groups deliberately design such activities to target and pull Catholics out of the Church. So it is wise to have strong sense of the faith and use the authoritative guidance of the Church.

    "If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe but yourself." ~ St. Augustine

  10. Guest Avatar
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    Melanie,

         Thank you so much for your empathy and for your prayers for infertile couples.  It means a lot.
     

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    P.S.  Praise God that you did not end up having uterine cancer and needing a hysterectomy!  That would have been a heavy cross to bear.

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    Hi clare I understand what ur going through..I have been married for 8yrs. will be 9 years nov.27th. It is a heavey cross as u know which sometimes is unbearable I cry so much I am turning Heaven upside down with my prayers as the great St. Padre Pio told a women that. I pray 2 him St. joseph St. jude and St. gerard. but more with St. jospeh and St. padre pio I saw his movie and brought 2 tears. I try 2 have hope gyno said I was fine my best friend says  u worry think ect. she's right it took over my life depressed sad Blessed Mom helping me so r my patron saints and guardian angel. The devil taunts me almost all day I am fighting him like never before. I will keep u all in my prayers GOD BLESS.

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