Catholic Exchange

Trying to Fly with One Wing, Part 7: The Suspension of Judgment

I know the headline says, Part 7. But, don't believe it. This is really Part 54 or something like that. I actually wrote another article for release as Part 7, but it fell on "bad" times. It included an intriguing story of why, 12-13 years ago, two Evangelical ministers and myself left an independent Baptist congregation.

Without revealing the "bad times" of the debunked article, I can tell you this. The story was how our Baptist youth pastor led a bunch of teens from the Detroit area to Los Angeles on an inner-city mission project hosted by a faith community with Pentecostal tendencies. While in L.A., one of the Baptist teens, who had a history of psychological problems, fell into convulsions during a prayer meeting. The charismatic, gift-wielding, Pentecostals in attendance took charge and subsequently exorcised from the boy a demon. The next day something similar happened, with the same boy, but only with the Baptist youth minister and Baptist teens in attendance.

When the boy's father, a member of our Baptist fellowship and part time psycho-therapist, found out, he became angry with our senior pastor for not flying to Los Angeles and "rescuing" his son from the influence of the "crazy" Charismatics and an out-of-control youth pastor. When the youth group came home they were all "fired up" for Jesus. But when the senior pastor and the board of deacons tried to temper the group's enthusiasm (which was laced with an emphasis on the charismatic gifts of the Holy Spirit), the blame game began. Our particular Baptist tradition, you see, forbade teaching that the more visible charismatic gifts of the Spirit were authentic. Our body of believers subscribed to the theory, held among some Evangelicals, that certain gifts of the Holy Spirit ceased with the death of the Apostles. 

Suddenly, the issue was not what happened in Los Angeles, nor was it about the charismatic gifts, but whether or not the youth pastor had properly fulfilled his fiduciary responsibilities in caring for the youth while in Los Angeles — I mean we all know L.A. is a strange place. The concern then became whether or not the youth pastor, with his newfound discoveries of the Holy Spirit, was willing to come fully under the teaching authority of the senior pastor and the board of deacons. He wasn't, and he decided to resign, leaving many of the youth angry at the senior pastor and deacons.

From my perspective, I saw a fallacy called rationalization taking place, where a more acceptable but fake reason was used to justify the youth pastor's dismissal (the youth minister's refusal to submit to authority), in place of the deeper, less acceptable, but true reason (the leadership's rejection of the charismatic gifts as authentic).

Yet, when I shared the story and my conclusions with the real-life senior pastor, he remembered the events differently and was not pleased with my conclusions. He wrote: "I believe both your statement of facts and conclusions are inaccurate and incorrect." After several e-mails and two phone calls to correct what I had written, I was disappointed, so I decided not to submit the former story in deference to his concerns. Perhaps, when he and I agree on the facts, I'll re-write the story for this space, and hopefully draw some useful lessons from the events at this particular church.

RRRRRRRING!

Excuse me, that's my Vatican Hot Line ringing.

Hello?! — ah, yes — uh-huh — okay. So if I use that word anymore…uh-huh… in that context…then it's 16 more years in Purgatory. Okay. Got it.  Ah, yes — I promise. From now on, I'll stick with "community of believers" and not "church." Promise.

 The Suspension of Judgment Principle

Writing the article, and having the pastor reject its findings had a positive outcome. What happened seems to be a good example of T. Edward Damer's 11th Principle of the "Code of Conduct for Effective Rational Discussion" — The Suspension of Judgment.

Like the other principles (there are 12 altogether), this one respects the dignity of the various parties involved in a disagreement. Simplified, The Suspension of Judgment should be invoked when both positions of the disagreement are presented with equal strength and no ready agreement toward a conclusion or course of action can be found. Holding off on a decision until both parties can agree not only results in a more accurate assessment, but, more importantly, preserves the friendship and collegiality of the persons involved and allows dialogue and evangelization to continue.

For instance, I became angry when our second daughter told us that she, a baptized Catholic, was getting married in an empty apartment with a justice of the peace, and that we were invited. I refused to go. Especially since it was a 10-hour drive to Iowa. The man she was marrying was a Christian, but neither of them were into authority or structure at the time. I could not image why I should go to what was obviously not a sacramental wedding. But, Pam, my wife, was adamant that I attend. I called a priest that I respected and asked, "What can I do, as a Catholic?" and "What should I do as a Christian?"

The priest told me to go to the "wedding," but not to participate. Participating as the father of the bride would acknowledge my acceptance that what was going on was a marriage ceremony, when, from my Catholic perspective, it was not. But go I should, in order to keep lines of communication open with my daughter and future son-in-law. For I could not evangelize them if there was no communication, and by not showing up, I would certainly close down channels of communication and thus evangelization. The Suspension of Judgment is like that. It favors some communication with disagreement, as opposed to no communication at all. I suppose, too, this is all a little like Woody Allen's famous line: "Eighty percent of success is showing up."

(Am I allowed to quote Woody Allen in a Catholic article? I suppose that's another 16 years in Purgatory — well, maybe they'll let me sit next to Fr. Benedict Groeschel, who says we'll find him there listening to his own tapes.)

The Suspension of Judgment, however, is not the same thing as the popular, but barrier building, "let's agree to disagree" adage. Far from it. The Suspension of Judgment does not mean the topic is off-limits, but rather that more evidence and clearer thinking toward a resolution should be pursued. In other words, both parties should work toward a resolution that seeks truth for the future, and reconciliation of the past. In the meantime, the relationship should be nurtured on grounds that progress is possible — like taking turns severely beating each other at fantasy baseball or ping-pong.

The genius behind Damer's Code of Conduct for Discussion is that it keeps constructive dialogue open and active. This is very important in all aspects of Christian evangelization and inter-faith dialogue. As Fr. John Riccardo says to Protestant Pastor Steve Andrews in the DVD project Common Ground, "There is plenty we can agree about, and we may go at it from time-to-time. But we'll do it as Brothers in Christ."

For me, in the situation I've just described, I'm glad to say that my former pastor is still a good friend, and by the time you read this he will have received a gift from me — a copy of my Catholic distribution company's best selling DVD, Common Ground: What Protestants and Catholics Can Learn From Each Other. Because I was willing to do a rewrite out of deference to his concerns, he and I have taken a step toward Christian unity without sacrificing truth.

Next time, I hope to take a look at the importance of trying to discern truth with two wings, and not just one. That is, reason and faith. 

End note: I often write first or second drafts of my material in front of the Blessed Sacrament. (If you're not Catholic this means that I am writing in the literal, sacramental presence of Christ.) To me it's like painting an icon — as I work I need to be immersed in continuous prayer and worship. I did that with the article you're not reading. Usually, when I draft material before the Blessed Sacrament, my writing effort finds ready acceptance. I figure that hanging out with Jesus has it rewards, especially when trying to discover the "fountain of truth" (since discovering the "fountain of youth" has long eluded me and my receding hairline — Okay, so there's no hairline at all.) The majority of this revised article, however, was written in the customer waiting room of Uncle Fred's Oil Change. But, Jesus was on my mind.

Comments

  1. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    I think it's good to remind people of the "Suspension of Judgement Principle" especially during these times many think are marked by polarized feelings and emotions.  (could that be every age, or just ours that has been poorly schooled in logic?)

    I am concerned that the author's attempts at humor sometime rely on mocking truths of the Catholic faith.  In this case, Purgatory.

    Hello?! — ah, yes — uh-huh — okay. So if I use that word anymore…uh-huh… in that context…then it's 16 more years in Purgatory. Okay. Got it.  Ah, yes — I promise. From now on, I'll stick with "community of believers" and not "church." Promise.

    Many people, both Catholic and protestant have a hard time understanding the teaching on purgatory.  Making light of it, as in joking about the holy Fr Groeschel, himself a joker, may be harmful.

    And by the way, my husband made the same decision about attending his sister's 2nd wedding   7 years ago.  At least we can eat Thanksgiving Dinner in peace.

    Looking forward to installment #396!

  2. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    I'm interested in how the unfortunate (because it wasn't in the church) marriage ceremony and what followed turned out. My state of mind and anger would have been not to go either. The priest's advice was correct, I don't know if I would have listened. I have three of my own in the waiting. I pray to God to spare me that trial. My oldest is planning one for next yr. It will be a Catholic ceremony but the groom to be is Methodist/Episcopalian. I'm in consultation with my priest about this. He quoted me the words of a song: "The heart is not a servant and it doesn't know it's master." He said that I would have to accept them even if the boy was a JW. Definitely a case of suspension of judgement.

  3. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Every one who reads this article has got to see that DVD. My husband and I watched it last week and were completely totally inspired by it. I have just recently become involved in an ecumenical effort, this DVD gave me all the answers I need to stand my ground, but to do it in charity and compassion.

    "Do not try to please everybody. Try to please God , the angels, and the saints. These are your public. If you are afraid of other people's opinion, you should not have become Christian." St John Vianney

  4. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Elabrikir, please note that he was following up on Fr. Groeshel's own remark and that neither of them were mocking truths of the faith, nor making light of the reality. What they are taking lighty is themselves — and that is a good thing. When Fr. Groeshel says that he will have to spend purgatory reading his own books — there is something very humorous about that comment, but something very deep and serious, too.

  5. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Making light of purgatory is a male thing. Men instinctvely know that we're twice as likely to go there with much longer sentences than our female partners in crime. So it's a nervous humour that's used often in male company. I actually sneak it in there when there are non-Catholics present. It gives me extra pleasure and hence extra time.

  6. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Mary, I understand your explanation, however, I stand by my comments.

    I do believe in humor and  humility  and I'm familiar enough with Fr Groeshel to know his strategy in employing the one in the exercise of the other.

    Still, in written communication, the printed word must stand alone, without explanation, for a diverse group.  Perhaps among "ourselves" ( small, closeknit group of faithful Catholics) or another known group setting, joking about truths of the faith is okay.  But, in this public, diverse forum I don't think it's appropriate….we have enough to overcome in the misunderstanding department.  (Just my opinion and I don't  need to belabor the point.) 

    I wouldn't mind scriptural references for where Jesus used the technique Phil used.  (I know he used irony, paradox.  I also know that we each have unique personalities through which we evangelize.)

    In the final analysis, maybe I'm just not as funny as I think I am….hopefully, I won't be laughing it off in….. 

  7. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Goral,

    I married a sort of Methodist in a Catholic wedding.  After 10 years of marriage, he converted, and he's been a fervent Catholic for 12 years.  I never asked him to do so.  In fact it never occurred to me that he would.  (My father isn't Catholic…of course my parents are divorced too.)

    My husband always supported my faith journey and supported the children in their faith formation.

    My husband has always been an upright man.  The Holy Spirit worked through the sacrament to bring him into the fullness of faith.  I'm eternally thankful for the gift of his conversion and what he has done through Christ to lead me and our children to holiness.

    Trust in God's mercy and keep praying for and encouraging your daughter and son in law to be with all humility and charity.

    (I love a good wedding reception….New York style?….I'm there!  Southern receptions…well, punch and cookies don't cut it!)

  8. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Dr. Williams' story about the LA outreach caught me off-guard. I had a very similar experience one summer (as an evangelical), leading a group of 27 college-age Americans (Quakers and Baptists), and Polish Pentecostals (non-Catholic) on a summer concert outreach across southern Poland.

    What happens when you take 17 American students (none of whom had travelled internationally before) and toss in a Hungarian busdriver (we communicated using my high-school German), a "chaplain" who stayed just long enough to undermine my efforts to lead the group, a selective language barrier, and a week of canceled accommodations/concerts (I had something like $200 "emergency money" to feed and house the entire group)? God was faithful … I was frantic. Then, when our group reached our final destination in Frankfurt, instead of getting an sympathy for the hardships we had experienced, I was chastized by the director for not keeping the Polish students from "prosyletizing" the Americans. (To my everlasting amazement, he had the temerity to invite me to do it again the following year.)

    The best thing about the whole experience was that it ultimately led me to the Church. The worst, that it (initially) turned me off missions. Thank God, that changed over time … as I came to realize that I don't have to measure my spiritual maturity by someone else's arbitrary yardstick. So long as I keep my eyes on Jesus, and stay in the "boat" of His Church, I need not fear the waves. "God and the angels and the saints…" are our audience. Truer words were never spoken.

    Thanks, Dr. Williams, for this enlightening series — and for the important work you are doing. I will look for your DVD.

    Heidi Hess Saxton Editor, "Canticle" Magazine Blogroll

  9. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Elka, it will be a Chicago style wedding because the region that Heidi comments on is near and dear to my heart. That's where they say "Do Widzenia y'all" I'm not following all of that by the way but that's an aside topic so I think I'd like to contact you on your own website, Heidi. Back to marriages and purgatory, how did these two come together? Our priest gave me plenty of examples like elkabrikir's that give me hope and certainly none of that is possible without the kind of loving communication that takes place in a marriage. In fact I'd be willing to bet that wives have made more converts than any other methods out there.

  10. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    hmm… to remain silent and be thought a fool or to open my mouth and remove all doubt… what a quandary. First off I like the article, I like the idea of the suspension of judgment as it seems very much in line with the instructions of our lord "Judge not lest ye be judged". On the other hand I don't think I would have gone to the wedding.The reason why is simple and I would have made it well understood why I would not have attended and the reason would not have been anger, but love.I have to admit that this is my feeling at the moment ( my daughter is quite small) and this might have to be the type of thing as a parent that requires you 'be there' to really know what you would do. Still, a persons suspension of judgment must be tempered with love and necessity to admonish the sinner as an act of mercy.

      Given just the scant details provided it seems at least that it would have been more loving for the author to explain to his daughter that while and because he loved her dearly that he was not going to assist her in committing a mortal sin by being married outside the church as a catholic.

    It may not have made much difference but at least if his daughter had died on her honey moon there would have been some clarity of conscious that he had tried to prevent her from burning forever in hell, and may have assisted in her recognizing the wrongness of what she did so she could repent as she died.

     

    The suggested action would seem more correct, if what we were talking about was not a mortal sin, like his daughter hadn’t been raised and baptized catholic or she was getting married while one or the other of them was waiting on an annulment with the intention of fulfilling the law of the church as soon as it was possible. 

    Given the situation just as described though, I really don’t think I would have gone. 

  11. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    And one more post!Surprised

    Today's subject, "Suspension of Judgement", seems to correspond with today's gospel message, "stop judging one another….the measure you measure…."

    Take the marriage example.  We each continue to grow in wisdom and grace, God willing throughout our lives.  A young couple might not have the understanding–yet– of the graces to be received by a strong Catholic/Catholic marriage.  A parent  might not desire a "mixed marriage" but love for the other allows one to support the person without condemning the person.  I think people who can achieve "suspension of judgement" are to be admired and emmulated.  It truly takes charity and humility.

    I frequently fall into the sin of "rash judgement", therefore, I know I'll spend some time in purgatory as I 'by fire' come to understand today's gospel.

  12. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    Fishman, I think along your lines in this situation. I went to a wedding like that where the father refused to show up. It was for broken family reasons. It was most unfortunate. I think going with the objective view of a priest is however the better judgment. The priest was looking past the ceremony. Somehow the father has to come to terms with what is. A parent can make their feelings known forever after but to pull the drawbridge up at this critical time is something that the child will always hold as a grudge and it will always be an inpediment towards any reconcilliation. That's why I said that I pray not to be in that situation because charity and humility are not the virtues that surface when one feels violated and victimized.

  13. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    We have two daughters.  One is on her 4th marriage.  She knew the guy TWO WEEKS prior to the marriage.  My Queen & I (both orthodox Catholics) attended. She was Catholic, but not very practicing; he a "Christian."  Now he has converted to the True Faith and both are very devout (they even "pray while working") and very devoutly attend weekly Mass – each week.  It's cooler than Purgatory!  Constant prayers for them did (do) we say, and for the other daughter, also on her 4th "marriage."  Both daughters are in their early thirties.

    "Suspension of Judgment" is extremely hard for me, esp. in my heart of hearts; not so for my Queen, she more easily gives all of our 7 children to Jesus than do I.  We still pray for them all, esp. for the last two,  Abraham (19) and Isaac (16) who both have serious "challenges."

    Jesus – Mary -Joseph, please, oh please, pray for us.  Oremus.

  14. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    One thing to consider is the effect on the relationship in veiw of future grandchildren. My husband and I are bringing grandchildren up in the faith.  Were we to take a condemnatory, rather than helping, attitude toward my non-Catholic daghter, you can be sure that would not be the case.

  15. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    I won't be at the hospital to 'support' my daughter if she chooses to have an abortion.  Regardless of how this might affect our future communication.

     

    A catholic, intentionally choosing to be married outside the church without proper permission is probably committing a MORTAL sin.

     

    not having sufficient details and not knowing the situation more fully that decision must be made by the father and his priest. 

     

    However, I would hope the author believed his daughter to be ignorant of the truth ( thus making her sin not necessarily mortal in nature). 

     It is precisely in this facet where ‘the suspension of judgment’ seems an appropriate principle to apply.

     

     But I’m not sure how to integrate that with the scenario listed above? Should a person also assume that their daughter is ignorant of the fact abortion is murder and therefore be ‘supportive’?

     

     

    It seems there must be certain things that are assumed to be obviously wrong.

     

    Marring anyone without permission and blessing of the church seems like it should be one of those things , but perhaps it is not.

  16. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    The oldest of my 7 daughters is dating an unbaptized person whose mother is a Budhist and father an atheist. (they are naturalized citizens of Chinese birth.)  He is a very good person in every respect except he is not baptized.  He has been churched somewhat by the Baptists (youth group stuff).

    My daughter and I have talked about this freely.  She is more troubled by his unbaptized state for the sake of his soul than for any other reason.  I don't know where they are in there relationship, but, she clearly understands that if she marries outside the Church she will also be unable to receive the sacraments.  I have also told her that we, her parents, would not bless the marriage in any way.

    I don't know if passion and emotion would get the better of her and override reason such that she marries him because of "love".  I don't even know if she is passionate about him.  Because I truly do like him and love my daughter, I'm not sure at this point what I would do regarding attending a ceremony.  However, I feel certain of one point:  My daugther knows my  husband and me well enough to respect any principled stand we take…especially if part of our decision making process included protecting the younger children in our family from scandal.

    These are tough pastoral issues.  We are all being renewed by Christ. Suspension of Judgement does not mean that you materially cooperate in the behavior, as in drive to an abortuary or pay for it.  A cohabitating "lover" same sex or not shouldn't be welcomed at the dinner table although the unaccompanied child should be. One probably shouldn't pay for the wedding or be the Best Man either. The aborted woman and the married outside the Church child need conversion.  That can't happen if the lines of communication have been broken and they don't feel like their free will is respected.

  17. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    The must be a difference in degree between a Catholic being married outside the Church and — having an abortion. For one thing, the invalid marriage can be blessed and made valid by the Church later on upon examination of the couple. But I don't think the Church would do the same for an abortion.

  18. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    "The must be a difference in degree between a Catholic being married outside the Church"I'm sure there is.  I don't mean to pretend that there are any easy answers.  My hope with abortion example is that by examining the 'edge' case/ extreme it will helps to locate things that are more neutral in respect to it.  What are the similarities, what are the differences?

    Certainly intention and act of the parent in these two cases is much the same.

    Keep lines of communication open.

    The amount of damage done by the two sins is different.  One incurs automatic excommunication the other does not.

    Both sins however may be MORTAL in nature.  If they are mortal sins , then by definition they share that quality that the sinner , if they remain unrepentant after death will enter into eternal hell fire.

    Part of what is turning around in my mind is ‘what does a child have a right to be supported in by their parent’.  Certainly their can be no right to be supported in sin no matter how great the desire of the child might be.

     

     I have little doubt in my mind that simply by going to an abortion clinic to ‘support’ his daughter a father would also incur the penalty of automatic excommunication , because he is materially assisting in an abortion by providing emotional support, weather or not he agrees with his daughters choice. 

     

    From a catholic perspective those who attend a wedding participate in it, in the same way as all those attending a mass participate in the mass.  I’m not certain if the situation is the same with a non-catholic ceremony.  Is your presence actively promoting the action? The action certainly will be taken with or without you, but is it more easily taken with you ? How much more easily?  

     

    I also have to say that marriage, even outside the norm of the church is also considerably better then living together without being married.  So if the couple being married was living together before marriage it very much changes the character of the action ,because it promotes the movement from a more sinful to a less sinful state.

    ( that is one of those , specifics , that must be considered by those involved)

  19. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    One thing I admire about you, fishman, is your sincere desire to arrive at the truth.  I believe the HOly Spirit will lead you to Wisdom because of your love and humility.  "Hashing it out" is part of the process.  As yesterday's article pointed out, indifference is the opposite of love.  Obviously, you are a man and father who loves his children, body and soul.

    I think it's good for children who are of the age of reason and others to know that people of good faith take the decision making process seriously.  It's not always black and white, however, being in the heart of the Church through Mary certainly gives one an advantage in discerning God's Will….and that is actually what we're trying to figure out.

  20. Guest Avatar
    Guest

    One hard lesson I've had to learn is that in order to attempt to lead others to the Holiness of God, I must meet them where they are, not force them to come to where I am.  And, after all, didn't our Blessed Savior do the same for us when He humbled Himself and took on our humanity to lead us to His Holines?

    "Neither do I condemn thee, go and no longer commit this sin!"

Leave a Reply