My Funny Valentine (E-Mail)

Here's an actual letter I received, via e-mail, from Loreal Cosmetics. My comments are in parenthesis.

Hello Karen,

It's Valentine's Day and the two of you are out for a late dinner. (Only because he was late getting home from work. Again.) Right after you're seated, the waiter reaches down and lights the candle at your table, setting your face aglow in soft, warm light. (Good. I need all the help I can get.) You see your Valentine's eyes sparkle. What's he looking at? Of course: He's looking at you. (No, he's looking at the prices. The sparkle is from tears.)

Now that you've caught his eye, (and kicked him under the table so he'll stop commenting on the prices) you can use your natural instincts to your advantage. (I hope I have some left.)

You look great tonight. (Why thank you.) And so does he (Naturally. I dressed him.) — and you're showing you notice. ("The drycleaner is worth the money, right honey?") When you're attracted to someone, you often subconsciously bite or lick your lips, which can, of course, wreak havoc on your manicured look. (I'm biting my lip to avoid talking home repairs and dental bills on a rare night out.)

You've got options. (You mean like, paper or plastic?) You could excuse yourself from the table and duck to the ladies' room for a quick reapply. (A good excuse to check on the kids.) And then do it again. (No way, the bread just arrived.) And again. (The wine was kicking in anyhow.) And again. (Get real.) Then, before you know it, you've spent more time in front of the mirror than with your Valentine. (And your point?)

We suggest you instead choose a lipcolour (love the fancy spelling) that simply stays put. Lucky for you, L'Oréal Endless Lipcolour does just that. (If only my car keys followed suit.) Combining comfort wear, moisturizing power, and an eight-hour endurance, it'll ensure you look your very best on your special night. And let you stay at the table so he can take it all in. (My good looks and not the bread, right?)

Create an unforgettable look with L'Oréal Lash Architect: It's specially formulated to dramatically volumize, lengthen, and curl your lashes. (Does it fold laundry too?) All that, and it's designed to stay on all day … and night. (I'm sure the baby will notice at 3 a.m.) He'll simply lose himself in your gaze. Let him. (Hack, snarf, giggle, snort.)

Dinner's over, you look across the table and see he's blushing, another sign of attraction. (His face is red because I just told him about that little parking lot/shopping cart/minivan mishap.) You can blush right back at your Valentine when you wear L'Oréal Blush Délice, a sheer, soft-powder blush infused with Vitamin C to make your cheeks glow, and his heart flutter. (Powdered blush to make his heart flutter? I can do better than that: Fresh batteries for the remote control.)